A Moment of True Joy...once upon a time

Last week I got into a cleaning frenzy randomly one day. In my large stacks of papers I found this...I don't know what I'd call it...statement, maybe. Anyway, although I wrote it on September 14th, I still remember almost exactly how it felt. I had really been struggling with some things before. The day I wrote this was like clouds parting after what had seemed like the longest storm. It's definitely personal, but it's a piece of me that I felt like sharing, even if I don't know why. Here goes...

"I had hope for the first time in a long time. Hope in my Savior and hope in the knowledge my Heavenly Father had taught. Hope in myself and the possibilities. For the first time in a long time the doors were open again. My life no longer seemed like a solitary experiene - again life had so many things to offer me and again I had access. I could touch them, grasp them (if I wanted to and was willing to work for it), but it was open and only someone who had felt alone and unable to access anything they felt they needed to could know how glorious it feels and how liberating for that door to be opened. I feel full again, capable, and even just for a moment I did not fear anything - I had no need for fear. For one moment I felt complete, whole, not perfect, but just a foundation under me that supported and sustained endless and personal possibilities. Happiness - that's what I'd call it. The ability to smile and mean it because you're really happy all the way through. It makes sense now in the scriptures it speaks of a happiness the world can never give you. It is true and eternal happiness. It's the real deal. It comes from some place so much deeper, and greater, and more important and substantial. This happiness feeds the soul like no other happiness can. It all comes down to the fact that this happiness - the real stuff - doesn't come from an outside source. It's not caused by circumstance or affected by the instabilities of everyday life. It's real happiness. I honestly can't remember the last time I've felt like this or if I've ever felt like this. Because it's not like this overwhelming or exciting feeling - It just fills you all the way through and becomes you and it purifies you as the true love of God does when it becomes your happiness, my happiness."

Happiness is not always easy, but sometimes when it seems so far away I go back and read this and remember exactly what real happiness feels like.

Ward Date Night/ Temple Square Lights

Okay, so on Friday I participated in ward date night. We have them about every 5 or 6 months. I've always liked them. I think if nothing else they have become an adventure or good story to tell. I mean from the title of it alone there is a story to be told. Like when someone asks, "What are you doing this weekend?" "Oh I'm going on ward date night." It's an amazing conversation starter for sure.

My date was Kyle Allcott. We've been friends pretty much since I joined the ward almost a year ago, so it was nice to go with someone I felt comfortable with. We had fun talking about anything and everything. Plus he was really good at keeping the battery from my camera warm so that I could take pictures at temple square. :-) Here are some of the pictures...thanks to Kyle.

yes I had Kyle take a picture of me by myself. Haha. :-)

Oh the Snow!

This morning I woke up to cloudy skies and snow falling outside. I normally work an 8-5 work day. This morning I got here at 9:36. Let me paint a picture of what it was like this morning. I actually straightened my hair today which seemed like a stupid thing to do when it's snowing, but I wasn't thinking about that when I did it, I just wanted to get ready. I went outside and spent probably about 10 minutes cleaning off my car which had a small bank of snow behind it that I got to back out into. The I-15 between Bountiful and Salt Lake took me about 40 minutes or more to get through. I was grateful I had a banana with me to eat because I hadn't eaten breakfast. I started to get sleepy as I checked my speedometer and noticed I don't think I ever went over 9 mph in that stretch of freeway. Finally once I got to the road construction part, oddly enough, the traffic picked up. Through some minimal sliding and going about 20 to 25 mph the rest of the way I finally made it to work. I know on many days I can get frustrated about all of this, but honestly today I was just grateful that I was safe, my car was safe, and it got to that point where I knew I couldn't do anything so I just started laughing at random things and I actually cheered out loud when I hit 40 mph on some of the less snowy parts of the road. I think today helped me to appreciate the small things in life, even though safety isn't small, I think it's taken for granted and I was happy today it wasn't.

Invictus (for those who have never read)

I've seen a lot of movies lately, meaning, I've seen a lot of trailers for upcoming movies as well, unfortunately a lot of the same ones over and over. One trailer I never get tired of watching is the trailer for the movie Invictus. I was curious what it stood for. Little did I know I had heard parts of this inspirational poem before, but never had I read the whole thing. It is truly a poem that reminds us to live purposefully and intentionally the life we know we can live. So for those of you who have never read it or those who want to read it again here is some info and the poem itself, courtesy of Wikipedia:


"Invictus" is a short poem by the English poet William Ernest Henley. The title is Latin for "unconquered".[1] It was first published in 1875.
At the age of 12, Henley became a victim of tuberculosis of the bone. In spite of this, in 1867 he successfully passed the Oxford local examination as a senior student. His diseased foot had to be amputated directly below the knee; physicians had announced that the only way to save his life was to amputate. Henley persevered and survived with one foot intact. He was discharged in 1875, and was able to lead an active life for nearly 30 years despite his disability. With an artificial foot, he lived until the age of 53. "Invictus" was written from a hospital bed despite Henley's condition.

"Invictus" Text


OUT of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

Helping

I saw The Blind Side last night. First of all, it was an amazing and inspiring movie! Although I didn't shed any tears, I felt there were many moments when I could have. As I watched the end of the movie I thought to myself, "What makes someone do something good, or even do the right thing?" Whenever I hear or see great acts of kindness, or courage, or really any admirable quality, I always wonder if I would have enough of whatever I need to demonstrate those qualities that I always admire in others. Basically, do I have what it takes to be the type of person I want to be? Hmmm...do I? Do you?

Patience

So I've decided I have none...patience I mean. Everyday, in all the things I do I see my impatience with the results I want in life. My lack of patience manifests itself boldly and very apparently in my dating life. I've noticed that I always want to know whether things are going to work out or not very quickly. It's not a conscious thing, but it's still very well and alive. I think a lot of it has to do with fear and control. When I decide that I could maybe like a guy I want to spend a ton of time with him right away so that I can figure out if I really like him. This makes it hard for those laidback guys who just wanna take their time and "go with the flow" as one guy put it. I think it has to do with the fact that I hate playing the fool. I don't want to start liking someone if they're not liking me. When I figure it out quickly that they're not interested, I can just move on. However, when they want me to be patient and see, all that while I am probably starting to like them while they are figuring out they don't like me. I hate being in this place, but with any guy that's ever been worth dating, this seems to be the end result. Beyond guys, even when something exciting happens in my life, I want to know where this will lead, what will happen. Pretty much even though I think I am good at enjoying the moment, I can't help but look too far ahead. It's a gift and a curse, as most things in life are. So my new goal...work on the patience thing. I want to try to take things more in stride and along with having patience, not dwelling on my setbacks. I think the failures or disappointments that occur may be, in part, a reason why I feel the need to discover things so quickly. Maybe if the failures didn't affect me so much, if I could just let them go, I could learn to be a little more patient and know if something happens it happens...and that's okay.

Late Night Craziness/Movie Review: New Moon (Twilight Series)

Okay, for all of you who have seen this movie I'm sure your opinion is likely to be much different than mine. On Thursday, November 29th I got a call from my friend Katie around 9:15 pm. She said she found a theater in Magna selling tickets for six dollars for a 2:45 am showing. So they were worried there was actually going to be a line. We got there about 1:20 in the morning. Since we had some time to kill and there wasn't a line, we went to IHOP. We met this cool waitress Tawny who was awesome and we found out works the graveyard shift like everyday. She was awesome! Great service! Then we went to the movie and I fell asleep for only a little bit of it. It was hard to stay awake around 4 am. The movie ended about 5 and I got home at 5:23 am. I slept until 6:45 and went to work. In total, I slept 3 hours that day. Was it worth it? Well let me tell you bout the movie now...The graphics were truly amazing! The werewolves were my favorite by far because they looked so huge and real...well, as real as a huge werewolf can look. As with Twilight, and any other book turned into movie, there were a lot of details removed to attempt to fit the entire storyline. The acting wasn't the best. Even though I liked all the actors, it all seemed a little fake, but they may have to do with trying to turn a fantasy story into a reality on screen. Jacob fans can be satisfied that he truly looks great in this movie, how could Bella resist. But for us Edward fans I am a little frustrated that Jacob is more attractive on screen then Edward because let's face it, Edward is the love of Bella's life and that's who she is destined to be with. I thought overall, it was a decent movie. Nothing great, but fun to continue to follow the Twilight movies and all the hype as well. All in all, I recommend everyone see it for yourself. There's just too biases and opinions that some will love it, some will hate it, and others like me will think it's just okay.

I am what I am

On Sunday, a member of the high council spoke in sacrament meeting. He quoted someone by saying, "I am what I am, and that is what I am." I honestly can't remember who said it first, but I thought a lot about this statement. This is kind of how I feel about life right now. Although I know change is important and inevitable, I like the idea of being so content with who I am that I can say, "I am what I am, and that is what I am." There's just this feeling of complete confidence in that statement. It represents the idea of living a life without apologies, but also without excuses. Now that's what I call a life. :-)

My Job

Okay, for those who don't know already, I finally found a job! I work for a company called School Improvement Network. I've been here just over two days and honestly, I love my job. I am a receptionist so I answer the phone, file things, and I'm sure will be doing more, but for now I'm content with it for sure. I still have a lot of learning to do. It's true that sometimes you don't know what you got til it's gone. Yesterday, I caught myself telling a friend how much I love working. It's not so much the work itself, although I do like being a receptionist, but it's more the satisfaction that comes from accomplishing something each day. When I was a student, my job always came second to school; it was just money. Now, my job can be my focus and as much as I try to multitask let's face it, I like being able to focus on one thing even better. :-) I know this post isn't too exciting, but it is what it is.

Poem: Broken Glass

I had the idea for a poem about a week ago or so and this is what came of it. By request, I am posting it here:


Crooked lines that flow and crack like glass,
sharp edges chiseled into a perfect pattern.
Were these just my lines,
or were they everyone's lines?


Once the glass is broken,
pieces are scattered in disarray.
Moments lie as delicate fragments,
and no one looks at them the way I do.


These pieces are my life.
How do I let go without losing one?
How do I put the pieces back together,
and make the cracks disappear?


Blood drips from my hands
in my attempt to save the broken glass.
Maybe glass is too fragile,
and maybe my hands weren't meant to mend this kind of break.


It seems there are more questions than answers.
But maybe only the hands that have truly bled,
only the hands that have truly mended,
maybe only these hands can truly fix the fragile broken glass.
Only His hands can fill the cracks.

Movie Review: Amelia

An inspiring, yet truthful account of a woman who never thought, "I can't." Hilary Swank offers another award-winning performance. I didn't know a lot about Amelia Earhart before seeing the movie, except that she was never found. I was inspired by her story. In the movie she leads a seemingly fearless life. Her zeal for conquering the unconquerable and realizing dreams instills hope and motivation that anyone, with enough desire and work, can conquer the unconquerable and realize his or her own dreams. Although Amelia is a figure I think we all can admire, she doesn't live without her own flaws. This movie demonstrates the good and the bad, but anyone who has seen the movie I think would agree with me that there is, by far, more good than bad.

My Brother's Wedding

Last weekend I went to Oakland, CA for my brother's wedding. Although I was gone for almost four days, the greater part of two of those days was spent driving. I loved meeting the family of my new sister-in-law! It was fun to be with my family and hers. My sister-in-law Brandy wore a beautiful dress! We took some fun pictures and the weather was gorgeous, especially for northern California. The temple was beautiful as always and I spent the good part of friday watching my nephew in the temple visitors center. I met some really sweet sister missionaries who played with my nephew and gave me someone to talk to while everyone else was in the temple. It was a crazy busy weekend, but a beautiful reception followed the temple marriage and both our families enjoyed some good times with food, music, and dancing.

Motivation

What is your motivation? Have you ever had that feeling when something is so powerful, some event or some emotion that for once you stop thinking and all you can do is act, and all you can give is your best? What brings that out in you? Today I was watching something on tv that made me think about the moments we have in life that stretch us and take us beyond our comfort zones, in a good way. You know great moments when we think to ourselves, "how did I get this lucky?" So many things motivate me. But today I remembered why I love music and movies and media, in its better forms. I love that dialogue, words fitting together just right, paired with intense sincere emotion is a beautiful thing. I love watching good acting. I remembered that music and dance is a whole other language that speaks to me in a way words can't. And today I remembered that people motivate me. So again I ask the question, what is your motivation?

Movie Review: Fame

I will admit I never saw the original. However, watching this movie definitely made me want to go out and rent it. Fame was full of dancing, singing, acting, and all the drama of high school students trying to figure out how to make it in a not always pleasant business. The soundtrack is amazing! The movie itself is entertaining, but not a lot of substance. Fun movie. On a scale of 1-10, I'd give it a 7.5.

Movie Review: Love Happens

This movie was well worth the 8 dollars or so I payed for it! It's one up on some more recent romantic movies if you like good clean fun with a little bit of drama. Aaron Eckhart and Jennifer Aniston are cute, funny, and interesting. The movie is thought-provoking as well as sweet. Just a heads up, tears will most likely be shed, but you will leave the movie in a good mood! :-)

Question about normal

I thought of a question today. When you're having a hard time with something, struggling with a certain situation in life and you tell someone about it, would you rather have them tell you it's a normal thing to be going through whatever it is you're going through, or would you rather have them react as if what you're going through is something they won't pretend to understand and is your own personal struggle? I guess I'm wondering, does it make you feel better or worse when someone makes you feel like your problem is a normal thing that people go through?


Respond if you want. Just food for thought.

Back Again

After a long hiatus, I decided to finally start writing again. In light of my recent unemployment, I'd say I have plenty of time to write and post thoughts and updates. Thoughts for today: Why the seasons change so fast? Two days ago it was completely hot outside, even in the evening. This morning, I woke up to the sound of rain and cars splashing the water on the open road. Do you like the rain? Some say it's therapeutic, which I agree with wholeheartedly; however, I find myself wanting to curl up on my couch, watch a movie, and not leave my house until the rain stops. Although, a lot of days I find myself wanting to curl up on my couch and watch a movie, so maybe it's not just a rain thing. I think that's all I've got in me right now. Feel free to comment about your thoughts on the changing weather, the rain, or you know life in general.


P.S. I decided to post an update on the oh so exciting job search at the end of each blog post.
Today: still no job, but searching. :-)